Please Allow Me To Introduce Myself...

And now for something completely different...

2008-05-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

So, for a change, I will depart from my usual dark, obscure, reference loaded stories and, on popular demand, talk a bit about personal finance. Its easy, really. And its also fun once you get it up and running.

Let me get a few things straight first...

0. Personal finance is about getting rich... eventually.
1. Personal finance != being stingy. [Thats a "not equals" for non programmers (VB people included).]
2. Personal finance means having money to spend on
3. Personal finance isnt just about money.
4. I'm not that big a jerk.
5. Seriously.

I will post a series of articles, which will cover:

*Setting up the infrastructure.
*Saving, Spending and Investing.
*Getting Things Done.

These articles are not sermons, but infact simple stepwise exercises which will help you achieve the goals of that article. I suggest sitting down with paper and a pen.

If you do it right, at the end of the series, you would have:

*Set up a finetuned infrastructure which will save you time money and effort month after month.
*A better (maybe complete?) understanding of your wallet.
*Established a strategy to tackle your debts and/or mangage your investments.
*Bootstrapped a sustainable productivity system [Whats That?]
*A warm fuzzy feeling.

Everything you will read has been handpicked, filtered and refined from articles written by people who know what they are talking about. I know these things work, either from personal experiences or from seeing them in action.

[NOTE: I will be updating this post soon with links to the articles.]

Lesser known awesome comics.

2007-11-22T08:14:00.001-08:00

XKCD

Wulffmorgenthaler

You got served.

2007-10-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

Well actually, no one got served. I just got tagged. Tagging is a Meme where someone publishes something about themselves, and sends it to their contacts who are supposed to do the same and pass it on (Jeez, that sounds familiar). In this case, it's some 50 odd questions. This was started no doubt by some attention seeking nerd who wanted to get to know his crush better but didn't have the guts to take the conventional route. Anyways, a really nice cousin of mine sent me this and I did not have the heart to turn her down. So here comes. Oh and btw, as usual, some things are decidedly tongue in cheek.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. But I know a few who were named after me.

2 . WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I try not to talk about high school. Or bout that girl. Or that jock bodyguard she had.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING
You mean typewriting right?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Chicken. But don't tell my mom.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
None that I am aware of.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Crazy or what?

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
No. And I think you are smart!

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS
Yeah. (????)

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Would love to.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Cheerios!!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
You mean i'm supposed to??

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Yup.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Chocolate! (You have no idea how had it was for me, to not say Apple iScream)

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their stupidity.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
OCD

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
My buddies, (Dad, Naman, Chintu, Mom and paani puri waalo. NOT necessarily in that order.)

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Ofcourse, go ahead flood my Inbox. Kidding, I'd love to hear back from you.

19. WEARING?
A goofy grin.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A Veg Calzone.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Joe Satriani

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Blue

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Wet soil, firecrackers, gasoline, napalm.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Wrong number.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Yup. (Shes my fave cousin you know.)

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Cricket.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Black. Prolly have a generous sprinkling of white by now. Haven't checked in months.

28. EYE COLOR?
Black.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Sometimes.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Laari Cuisine!

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy Endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Star Wars: The new beginning.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Black

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs. There are some people you simply dont wanna kiss.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Chocolate iScream Classic

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
To the name Genius.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND
When you call.

39. WHAT BOOKs ARE YOU READING NOW?
Its not me. Its you.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
My coke can.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV.Last NIGHT?
Mythbusters

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Birds, silence.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Bob Dylan.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Texas

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
You think its easy to be an evil genius?

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Baroda, Gujarat, India

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
No one. I like to be surprised.
<50 odd... >
<50ODD>

Everything I wish I didn't know

2007-10-15T23:12:00.000-07:00

[It helps to read "666" before reading this.]

"Hello, hello? hold on, hold on... I’m at a place called Vertigo."

He simply watched her as she spoke into the phone. She. She loved the city in the night. It was the lights, the high rises and the downtown from across the river, all made up of a million white lights. The intricate necklace of tiny red lights, as the cars zoomed in a file through the spaghetti intersections. The energy, the life force as the young tried their best to spend well the money they earned all day long... By having fun all night long. So naive, yet so happy. Ignorance is indeed bliss in this city of blinding lights

He had met her a few weeks back at one such place. Girl with crimson nails, Jesus round her neck, swinging to the music. Black hair and a black dress. Red black white and silver. She knew fashion. Turned out, she also wanted to know meaning. And though her soul couldn't be bought, her mind could wander. He made sure they would meet again. Of course he did, it was hard to resist his charm.

She found herself in the passenger seat of his black Jaguar, the night lights doing their work as he drove with the roof down. The long red line of tail lights flickered into the black void ahead. The headlights of the oncoming cars blazed pure white, making the luxury accessories on the dashboard dazzle in silvery brilliance. Black white red and silver. The burning lights in the black void. Reminded her of home. Speaking of which, there was something curious about him. He had this charm, a magnetism. Striking good looks, wealthy, sophisticated, obviously had taste... She looked into his eyes as he drove. They had this fire in them, intent, focused... and evil? Antichrist. She almost laughed at herself.

A hot young girl alone with a rich young shark. You know there’s really only one way this story can go. Turns out, it did not quite go that way. Was never going to. I lay there in that stopped elevator, almost dead, waiting for it all to end, simply watching her as she spoke into the phone. She was talking to her cousin apparently. Asking for a favor. Said she needed some help with this guy she had her eye on for some time. Somehow, you see everything in third person in that phase when you have let go and are just waiting to be shepherded. I was expecting the hooded dude to come over and escort me. I certainly did not deserve angles. Yet, none of them were anywhere to be seen.

A voice rang out from the emergency phone as soon as she put her cell away.

"What are you up to now, young lady?" It was terrible and powerful, yet elegant and learned. And somehow, I just knew who it was.

"Dad! What do you mean?"

"Why did you need to bother your Cousin? He has enough troubles with the ranks as it is."

"People need faith. And he rather likes it. At least this one will be worth it."

"I know he likes it. But every time you ask him, your Aunt gives me a hard time."

"Get over the sibling rivalry already. Its just work and you know that."

"Yeah, whatever. Anyways I need to go, discussing stuff with your Aunt. Love you dear, take care"

"Love you Dad, cya soon."

"... So whose turn was it to roll?...", I heard the voice die away as the elevator door opened.

He was handsome and elegant. What am I saying? Words fail to describe him. And then he spoke. With a heavenly voice and the beautiful middle eastern accent. I wish i could describe it. I wish I could tell you what he said. And he spoke to me. He showed me the creation. He showed me my own self. He showed me life. He taught me how to love, and how to kneel. And He told me I was healed.

She hugged him as he left. Great to see you she said. Lets get together sometime she said. He said it looked like it would be soon. And like stretched suspenders released, my conscious snapped back into the shell, overwhelmed and confused. It all felt so clear when it was free. Somehow now that it was back in, it felt all muddled and troubled. I'm at this place called Vertigo. It's everything I wish I didn't know.

10 Things I Learnt From Grad School

2007-09-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

Just a meaningless clichéd filler post. [Poll Closed.]

1. Intelligence is not a pre-req for getting into grad school.
2. Other people know how to use gawk too.
3. I'm not the only geek loser out there. In fact there are worse.
4. You can survive a week on just instant noodles. Easily.
5. You cannot survive a week on just raw noodles. No, not even with ketchup.
6. Grad students can live decently too. No wait!! They can't. My bad.
7. Mathematically, I will never get laid. (More on this later)
8. Laptop + Google = Weekend well spent.
9. Common sense * N = K, where N is the # of degrees you have and K is a (pretty small) constant.
10. There is no spoon.

[Update: This comment was just so cool that i HAD to promote it up here...]

Things Naman learnt from grad school:

11. There is no fork either.
12. The rate at which you eat your noodles is directly proportional to the people sitting near you.
13. You can never really figure things out if you use figures.
14. A hundred days and nights are shorter than a moment.
15. As you lose yourself, you lose the will to find yourself, so its okay.
16. No matter where you go or who you meet, you are still the person you were when you were
17. Girls define life.
18. Every girl is an angel, and every girl is a perfect bitch. What you do with them is up to you.
19. Nineteen is a good year in life.
20. Twenty20 is the best thing that happened to cricket.

[Another update. Conclusion: Spontaneous lists wayyyyyy better than made up lists. ]

Ten things Shreya learnt from grad school:

Few things I learnt while in school – some pertaining to school and some not !

21. There actually is a fork, depends on which fork we are talking about !
22. Satyam, we are just geeks- not losers 
23. Intelligence might not be a pre-req for grad school, but knowledge is.
24. Grad students (speaking for myself) go to the gym even at midnight because that actually is still a day for them….and then some more !
25. Weekends are worse because you have all day to yourself to study and clean , UGH !
26. Some worldly things, I am tired of hearing about Iraqi suicide car bombings…
27. “The hills” on mtv gets way too much importance
28. On that note, I miss watching tv and I cannot keep up with the news.
29. Guys are always interested in getting laid…gentlemen wait and assholes want to get right inside your pants; hence always interested…just depends on when.
30. Conclusion, no social life + work 24/7 + crappy food + compromises= grad school / life :)

[Update: Yet another set of insightful observations...]

Some more thing Naman learnt from grad school (or otherwise):

31. There are actually so few things a grad school teaches you, that you actually feel the need to make this list go on and on and on.
32. Gentlemen also do want to get laid every chance they get.
33. Time is always against those who are in grad school.
34. Time is always against you even after grad school.
35. Nobody's got long to live, time is indeed too short.
36. Working out defines life better than girls do.
37. Prince of Persia Sands of Time can be finished in one sitting.
38. There may be better things in the world than Quake, but very very few.
39. God's name is Murphy.
40. Making out, sometimes, is a lot of work.

Things Deepikaji learnt from grad school:

41. The time scale for a grad student is not the same as for the rest of the world.
42. The amount of money in your savings bank account is inversely proportional to the number of years you have been in grad school.
43. The Taiwanese make the best grad students - they have rich parents, little creativity and a new car.
44. Indians just make/do/are whatever.
45. The most important training you will receive in grad school is to heighten your sense of detecting free food.
46. Its not called a beer belly anymore, its now called grad belly.
47. Grad bellies are not suitable for being shaken like bowl full of jelly.
48. Grad school is not about productivity. In the morning (approximately 13:00) you think you will get to work after checking email. By the time you are done its time for lunch (approximately 18:00).
49. Gawking at the (opposite) sex is an occupational hazard of being a grad student. Don't ask why or how, just gawk.
50. When you have a toothbrush on your lab desk, you must realize that it will be use for more than brushing just your teeth.

Good Guy

2007-04-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

Life is cruel, the times are bad
Its not just a duel, a battle lies ahead.

Outnumbered, Outmanouvered, Outgunned, Outcast
Assault after assault till you break down at last.

Power wealth reason and looks
You are in none of their good books.

Harmless voiceless clueless guileless
You realize youre in one big mess.

For others you have fought battles countless
But in your own fight you realize youre aideless.

Pushed too far, gotta make a stand
Cant really do that with these bare hands.

Grab that drive, its your spear, get those memories, theyre your shield.
Need you blades of will right here, gotta hack your way across the field.

Quiet determination your battle cry
Cant bog you down hard as they may try.

But the truth is this, and dont ask why
Theres no reward for being a Good Guy.

30 Minutes

2006-10-25T23:04:00.000-07:00

He sat down again. He was full of anticipation. He’d been waiting for this meeting for over a month now. It was finally here. Today was the day. He heard his footsteps. His heart beat faster. This was it. The door opened and he walked in. It was happening.

The adrenaline rush made everything worth it. He felt the blood rushing through his veins. He felt alive. A pull of the trigger and the muffled bullet did its work. But it was just the beginning. The next 30 minutes were orgasmic.

He stepped back to survey his work. He felt good. He knew that he would. It worked for him every single time. He felt the same high, this was his 21st, and it only got better every time. Strange, he thought, how similar a Job felt to reorganazizing his room. Both he did just for himself; both were tiring, both took time. Both felt good. Only difference, the Job felt a lot better when he stepped back to look at it.

‘Damn it’ he muttered as he realized he’d drifted into yet another of his dreamy thoughts. I’m not done here yet. He fumbled in his pockets for the list. There it was, thank God he hadn’t forgotten the list. It’d be very dumb to forget the ‘remember’ list itself. But then, with him, it wasn’t entirely impossible either. He was quite absentminded for a serial killer that successful. Oh yes, and very clumsy too. But he was a natural. And it more than made up for it. His record was proof enough.

He started going over the list, the glistening, blood covered white rubber gloves leaving a red streak on the paper. It’d be brown by the time he worked on it the next evening. He liked to chronicle these. Souvenirs. Records of a Job finished, a Job well done. He would look at his collection in quiet times. It gave him immense satisfaction. He procrastinated a lot. Looking at these made him feel better. It also made him crave for another one, just one more. Yes he was addicted.

He made marks with the pencil as he went through the list, making sure that he’d covered it all.

‘Wipe all prints’

Check.

‘Collect empty cartridge’

Check

‘Put subject in position’

Check

‘Keep tongue in box’

Check

‘Slash across chest’
Check

‘Cauterize slash’

Check

‘Extract bullet and put it in the box’

Check

‘Cryptic message in blood’

Check

‘Count all equipment’

Check

‘Put this note in box’

Check

Good. No traces. Signature perfect. Trademark. He picked his kit up. Took a look around the room one last time. This room was all that he’d been thinking about all of this month. It was now exactly, precisely the way he’d imagined it to be. With a look of satisfaction, he walked calmly out of the room.

Yes, he was addicted. But he didn’t kill just about anyone. He never killed the weak or the women or any of the other lesser mortals – lemos – as he called them. In fact he didn’t even kill just about any powerful son of a bitch. He chose his subjects with a purpose. With a reason. With great care. It was his duty to humanity. It was his obligation to the devil.

A psychotic delusional cold blooded evil genius. Captivating. And he never got caught. No one ever knew. Or at least that’s what he thought. He’d been busted a long time ago. Only he didn’t know it yet.

I crouched down again. The air was full of anticipation. I’d been waiting for this meeting for over a month now. It was finally here. Tonight was the night. I saw his figure in the dark. My head felt clearer. This was it. It was happening. He was about to meet the bigger fish. The FBI would find itself staring at yet another serial killer in the morning. The ninth.

The adrenaline rush made everything worth it. I felt the blood rushing through my veins. I felt alive. A flash of the Blade and the muffled scream told me it’d worked. But it’s just the beginning. The next 30 minutes would be orgasmic.

666

2006-06-07T00:48:00.000-07:00

Today, the Sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the new millennium is my day. No I wasn’t born on this day… but so what? Jesus wasn’t born on the 25th of December either. Those guys at the Church just pulled the number outta their hats a proclaimed, ‘this is the number of the Beast! Beware!’ Beware my foot. They came up with this number a thousand years after a guy was nailed to a tree for suggesting that people should be good to each other for a change. I’ve been playing with you guys since longer than you can imagine. I was around when Jesus Christ had his moments of doubt and pain. Make no mistake; if I’d just wanted to bring the ‘End of Days’, I’d do it in a snap. I don’t need scheduled days to do that. Earth aint the only world out there and it aint the biggest or the brightest either. But its more fun to simply mess around with you guys, you know, it lasts longer that way. Why kill the golden egg laying goose I say. And anyways, with politicians like yours, who needs the Beast??

I think its time I set the record straight… let me just tell you this, for once and for all, I am NOT responsible for any of the following: Bill Gates, Microsoft, Windows, Sonia Gandhi, Arjun Singh, and there’s more but this list will suffice for now. And yes, Himesh Reshammiya too. I know, people often accuse these characters of being my agents. Attempts to malign my good name I say. These fools are always at it! Jeez, they even stabbed me with their steely knives, but of course, they just couldn’t kill Me. Oh, um, err, did I just say jeez? Damn slip of tongue! Hanging around with you humans has really corrupted my language. You know, I’m not supposed to use words endorsing God or her representatives while I hold this post you know.

Let me clarify that bit a little, it’s been long overdue anyways. ‘Devil’ is not a person; it’s a post, an office, you get the point? Something like Presidency. So is God. Its not like I’m the devil till the end of time. We have this rotation policy you know. Though there’s no fixed length for our terms, we are required to switch places from time to time. So I’ll be the God next time, and that gal you call God will be the Devil. (God is a girl, comes as a surprise? Shouldn’t be really, given the state of the world right now, anyone could figure its got to be run by some woman) But she wont be getting to play the devil any time soon. Last time She took charge, it almost resulted in complete annihilation of one races on Earth. Some other races in other worlds weren’t so lucky. I, as God, had to resort to some underhanded tactics. That was the hardest phase of my career. Some tough decision I had to make. People still curse me asking where were you during Auschwitz. If only I had an answer for that.

All those things apart, I’m a man of wealth and taste. But what’s puzzling you, is the nature of my game. If I were you, I wouldn’t bother about it. Because there is a theory that says that the moment you understand my game, it is immediately replaced by something even more inexplicable and bizarre. There’s another theory that states that this has already happened. So next time you meet me, have some courtesy. Have some sympathy have some taste. Show all your well-earned politesse, or I’ll lay your soul to waste.

There’s another joke right there. Technically I can’t do that. Laying your soul to waste. Neither can God redeem it forever. Just another example of lies propagated to scare you. To realize this, first you need to understand the whole set up. The God and The Devil are two opposite entities. But even we aren’t and end in ourselves. We are only the two sides of The One Being. The Entity. We merely provide the balance in the Universe. It is The Creator, The Sustainer, and The Destroyer. We are only Its means. There has to be a balance in everything. Between good and bad. I punish people for the bad that they did in the last births. God rewards them for the good that they did. She induces them to do good so that their karma increases. I induce people to do bad to keep their karma at sane levels. In the end, we make sure that the average karma remains a constant. You might suffer more in one birth, and in some other birth, you might live like a dream. But in the end, everyone has the same karma.

Why do we need bad and evil you undoubtedly ask. Without the dark, you cannot appreciate the light. You wouldn’t even know that light existed because you wouldn’t even know that things could be any other way. Every hero needs a villain. What would your God person do if She did not have anything to save your from? And this isn’t all. There is a balance much broader than what meets the eye. We cannot have too much of good for something because what is good for one, is bad for another. Hopefully with some thinking and some more experience, you shall understand.

Hey, I remember one of your dudes once said, ‘God doesn’t play dice with the universe’. Well, actually She does.

PS: More on the dice thing next time. As for right now, I hope you can take this piece in the same good spirit in which it was written. And I don’t want any crap about not having had that spirit there since 1969. Ah yes, by the way I have freely quoted the following in this piece:

2 Great Songs
1 Awesome Book
1 Amazing Dude
1 Stupid Ape

See if you can catch it. They’re all very obvious. May the force be with you. Respek.

Letter from father to son

2006-06-04T01:52:00.000-07:00

“Incidentally, I would like to say that I would not like to be a Jew in Germany.” This is how Hermann Goring, the second in command to the Fuhrer ended his speech. That was in November 1938, and it was the beginning of the end of the Jewish swine that had infected our Motherland. Together, the Fuhrer and Goring had set into motion the machine, that would bring us the Final Solution, and today, nearing the end of 1942, we are closer to it than ever before. And I am grateful and proud, that my being a soldier in the Third Reich has given me the opportunity to contribute.

Soon, very soon, the Judes will be wiped out from the face of Europe. Very soon, they will get their due. Already, our armies are in France, and time is not far, that they shall march into London as well. Rest assured, my son, that the White House shall have the Nazi flag over it by the time the war is over. Time is not far, when we Aryans shall claim our rightful place in the world. For too long our great race has suffered at the hands of the inferior pests but no more. The Great Fuhrer has brought us to this stage.

But it was not always the same. There were many, who for their vested interests wanted to stop us from realizing our potential. After the first War, the British and the French tried to crush us, so that we could never get back up. But those perpetrators were not the only ones. Worst of all, we were betrayed by the people among us. The so-called rulers sold us out to gain popularity in the eyes of evil foreigners. Then there were the communists. But the worst of them were the most evil ones, the Jews.

They all have now been taken care of. And the worst evil has got the treatment it deserves. Having crushed the communists and other traitors to the nation, the Party has now turned its attention to the cleansing of the nation. Already, the camps at Auschwitz, Treblinka, Majdanek and Sobibor are working at full efficiency. Just last week, a report on purging of 600,000 more inmates at Balzac came in. This takes the count to almost a million now. The rest will soon be liquidated. We are becoming increasingly efficient at it, now that we have perfected the art.

Now that you are of the right age my son, it is time that you too should play your part. It is every father’s dream that his son contributes towards the Goal. It is your duty to serve the Motherland. Although I am sure that you have the same passion for it but as a parent it is my duty to remind you of it. That aside, how is your mother? Tell her that I love her. And how is your little sister doing? Tell the little angel that I miss her sweet smile. When I come back from the front, I shall bring her the pink dress she wanted. I must leave now. Take care. God Bless You. Heil Hitler!

Disclaimer: The Views expressed by the protoganist are NOT the views of the author. Please note that though the character writing the diary is completely fictional, the people, places and events mentioned here are real and authentic. The passage is the actual reflection of the mindset of the people under the Third Reich. Personally, I do not approve of or condone the Holocaust or the people responsible for it. The passage is not meant to be an expression of my views on the subject. Also note that though the Nazis never made public, the ‘Goal’, thousands of Germans were involved in it and it was common knowledge among most of the people.