Please Allow Me To Introduce Myself...

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


Today, the Sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the new millennium is my day. No I wasn’t born on this day… but so what? Jesus wasn’t born on the 25th of December either. Those guys at the Church just pulled the number outta their hats a proclaimed, ‘this is the number of the Beast! Beware!’ Beware my foot. They came up with this number a thousand years after a guy was nailed to a tree for suggesting that people should be good to each other for a change. I’ve been playing with you guys since longer than you can imagine. I was around when Jesus Christ had his moments of doubt and pain. Make no mistake; if I’d just wanted to bring the ‘End of Days’, I’d do it in a snap. I don’t need scheduled days to do that. Earth aint the only world out there and it aint the biggest or the brightest either. But its more fun to simply mess around with you guys, you know, it lasts longer that way. Why kill the golden egg laying goose I say. And anyways, with politicians like yours, who needs the Beast??

I think its time I set the record straight… let me just tell you this, for once and for all, I am NOT responsible for any of the following: Bill Gates, Microsoft, Windows, Sonia Gandhi, Arjun Singh, and there’s more but this list will suffice for now. And yes, Himesh Reshammiya too. I know, people often accuse these characters of being my agents. Attempts to malign my good name I say. These fools are always at it! Jeez, they even stabbed me with their steely knives, but of course, they just couldn’t kill Me. Oh, um, err, did I just say jeez? Damn slip of tongue! Hanging around with you humans has really corrupted my language. You know, I’m not supposed to use words endorsing God or her representatives while I hold this post you know.

Let me clarify that bit a little, it’s been long overdue anyways. ‘Devil’ is not a person; it’s a post, an office, you get the point? Something like Presidency. So is God. Its not like I’m the devil till the end of time. We have this rotation policy you know. Though there’s no fixed length for our terms, we are required to switch places from time to time. So I’ll be the God next time, and that gal you call God will be the Devil. (God is a girl, comes as a surprise? Shouldn’t be really, given the state of the world right now, anyone could figure its got to be run by some woman) But she wont be getting to play the devil any time soon. Last time She took charge, it almost resulted in complete annihilation of one races on Earth. Some other races in other worlds weren’t so lucky. I, as God, had to resort to some underhanded tactics. That was the hardest phase of my career. Some tough decision I had to make. People still curse me asking where were you during Auschwitz. If only I had an answer for that.

All those things apart, I’m a man of wealth and taste. But what’s puzzling you, is the nature of my game. If I were you, I wouldn’t bother about it. Because there is a theory that says that the moment you understand my game, it is immediately replaced by something even more inexplicable and bizarre. There’s another theory that states that this has already happened. So next time you meet me, have some courtesy. Have some sympathy have some taste. Show all your well-earned politesse, or I’ll lay your soul to waste.

There’s another joke right there. Technically I can’t do that. Laying your soul to waste. Neither can God redeem it forever. Just another example of lies propagated to scare you. To realize this, first you need to understand the whole set up. The God and The Devil are two opposite entities. But even we aren’t and end in ourselves. We are only the two sides of The One Being. The Entity. We merely provide the balance in the Universe. It is The Creator, The Sustainer, and The Destroyer. We are only Its means. There has to be a balance in everything. Between good and bad. I punish people for the bad that they did in the last births. God rewards them for the good that they did. She induces them to do good so that their karma increases. I induce people to do bad to keep their karma at sane levels. In the end, we make sure that the average karma remains a constant. You might suffer more in one birth, and in some other birth, you might live like a dream. But in the end, everyone has the same karma.

Why do we need bad and evil you undoubtedly ask. Without the dark, you cannot appreciate the light. You wouldn’t even know that light existed because you wouldn’t even know that things could be any other way. Every hero needs a villain. What would your God person do if She did not have anything to save your from? And this isn’t all. There is a balance much broader than what meets the eye. We cannot have too much of good for something because what is good for one, is bad for another. Hopefully with some thinking and some more experience, you shall understand.

Hey, I remember one of your dudes once said, ‘God doesn’t play dice with the universe’. Well, actually She does.

PS: More on the dice thing next time. As for right now, I hope you can take this piece in the same good spirit in which it was written. And I don’t want any crap about not having had that spirit there since 1969. Ah yes, by the way I have freely quoted the following in this piece:

2 Great Songs
1 Awesome Book
1 Amazing Dude
1 Stupid Ape

See if you can catch it. They’re all very obvious. May the force be with you. Respek.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Letter from father to son

“Incidentally, I would like to say that I would not like to be a Jew in Germany.” This is how Hermann Goring, the second in command to the Fuhrer ended his speech. That was in November 1938, and it was the beginning of the end of the Jewish swine that had infected our Motherland. Together, the Fuhrer and Goring had set into motion the machine, that would bring us the Final Solution, and today, nearing the end of 1942, we are closer to it than ever before. And I am grateful and proud, that my being a soldier in the Third Reich has given me the opportunity to contribute.

Soon, very soon, the Judes will be wiped out from the face of Europe. Very soon, they will get their due. Already, our armies are in France, and time is not far, that they shall march into London as well. Rest assured, my son, that the White House shall have the Nazi flag over it by the time the war is over. Time is not far, when we Aryans shall claim our rightful place in the world. For too long our great race has suffered at the hands of the inferior pests but no more. The Great Fuhrer has brought us to this stage.

But it was not always the same. There were many, who for their vested interests wanted to stop us from realizing our potential. After the first War, the British and the French tried to crush us, so that we could never get back up. But those perpetrators were not the only ones. Worst of all, we were betrayed by the people among us. The so-called rulers sold us out to gain popularity in the eyes of evil foreigners. Then there were the communists. But the worst of them were the most evil ones, the Jews.

They all have now been taken care of. And the worst evil has got the treatment it deserves. Having crushed the communists and other traitors to the nation, the Party has now turned its attention to the cleansing of the nation. Already, the camps at Auschwitz, Treblinka, Majdanek and Sobibor are working at full efficiency. Just last week, a report on purging of 600,000 more inmates at Balzac came in. This takes the count to almost a million now. The rest will soon be liquidated. We are becoming increasingly efficient at it, now that we have perfected the art.

Now that you are of the right age my son, it is time that you too should play your part. It is every father’s dream that his son contributes towards the Goal. It is your duty to serve the Motherland. Although I am sure that you have the same passion for it but as a parent it is my duty to remind you of it. That aside, how is your mother? Tell her that I love her. And how is your little sister doing? Tell the little angel that I miss her sweet smile. When I come back from the front, I shall bring her the pink dress she wanted. I must leave now. Take care. God Bless You. Heil Hitler!

Disclaimer: The Views expressed by the protoganist are NOT the views of the author. Please note that though the character writing the diary is completely fictional, the people, places and events mentioned here are real and authentic. The passage is the actual reflection of the mindset of the people under the Third Reich. Personally, I do not approve of or condone the Holocaust or the people responsible for it. The passage is not meant to be an expression of my views on the subject. Also note that though the Nazis never made public, the ‘Goal’, thousands of Germans were involved in it and it was common knowledge among most of the people.